Archive for ‘Would you like some whine and cheese with that?’

November 11, 2015

You’re a Wonder, Wonder Woman

by Janie Jones

Wonder woman I wonder

 

 

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July 21, 2015

I didn’t studder

by Janie Jones

I am having a very bad week.  I am feeling quite frustrated, overwhelmed, exhausted, and as though everything I come in contact with gives me a paper cut and then a salt bath.  To make matters worse I developed a raging cold/flu.

On top of my general yuckitude then, my cold/flu has gifted me with it’s own brand of joy.  I ache, I burn, I am even more exhausted, I feel like I’m wearing sandpaper, swallowing Brillo pads, I can barely keep my eyes open but I can’t sleep, and am freaking hot.  But I got up and went to work.  Even though I wanted to go home, I met with my research adviser after work even though I told him I was feeling quite poorly and preferred not to meet, he wanted to anyway.  I hope he gets my cold.

Everyone I saw today says, “Oh, Janie, you don’t look good.”

To which I reply, “The universe hates me, I don’t feel good at all, I’m having a bad week and a wretched cold.”

And if one more person says in response, “Maybe it’s allergies.”  I swear to all the deities ever worshiped I will sneeze in their face and let the mucous freely flowing from my nose drip directly into their face as I scream “It’s not F*&king Allergies!”

And then I just want to lie like a beached whale in front of a fan in a spaghetti strap undershirt and my underwear but the lovely landlord picked this week to come and put a new roof on the house and brought his son and a family friend to stay in the basement while they work. Because its so hot, if I close the door I lose any hope of a cross breeze, so I stay mostly clothed and lie quietly with the lights out.

It absolutely amazes me how you can be lying half asleep in your room after telling people you are sick and don’t feel good and they still seem to think nothing of trying to engage you in conversation.

WHAT PART OF I DON’T FEEL GOOD, I AM TIRED AND WANT TO REST DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!?  I AM SICK.  EITHER MAKE ME SOME DAMNED TEA OR LEAVE ME THE F*&K ALONE!

I would type some of the internal monologue of obscenities I would like to scream if my throat didn’t burn so bad, but the mucous is dripping on to the keyboard, and that’s too gross and I’m too tired to keep cleaning it up.

Good night. Maybe I’ll feel better and less cranky tomorrow. Or maybe I’ll call in sick.

June 5, 2015

Answers to the top three questions inquiring readers are dying to know

by Janie Jones

How do you know it’s summer in the Great White North?

Well, for one, when the lawn needs mowing again after just 4 or 5 days since the room mate mowed.  And, despite being 47 degrees at dawn, and having barely surpassed 50 degrees for the last week or so, at 2pm when you go out to take your turn at mowing the lawn it is 70 degrees and you, still thinking it would be cold, dressed in a tee shirt and long sleeve denim over shirt and pants.  By the time you are done, you are totally drenched in sweat.

How much lawn is too much lawn?

When it takes you three hours to mow the lawn, including three breaks to refill the mower’s gas can, and when you can stand at the top of the hill at the far edge of the back yard lawn, look down on the roof of the house and can’t see the numbers on the license plates of the cars parked in the driveway, YOU HAVE TOO MUCH LAWN.

Don’t get me started either on the joys of a lawn that is basically hill.

How are you today Janie?

It has been three days since The Lawn Mowing on Tuesday.  Afterward my joints and muscles were so sore they were trembling.  But I had to get up way early to study for my chem test the next day.  The next day my hands hurt so bad it was painful to hold the steering wheel in my car, car despite the soft padded steering wheel cover.  I ached everywhere, and hobbled when no one was looking.  Leif came to town and picked up the spud to take her to the farm so I was able to go to bed early.  And though I got about 10 hours of sleep Wednesday night, on Thursday I had to spend three and a half hours standing in chem lab, so although I am recovering from The Lawn Mowing, there is still a hint of tenderness particularly in the feet and legs.  At least I can now grab things with out wincing.

Take home lesson:  Never buy a house or sign a lease on one with a lawn this large unless a riding mower is at your disposal.

March 4, 2015

Ooooh, that hurt

by Janie Jones

So, last night after a somewhat late training meeting at work, I was getting into the car, happy the meeting got done early and eager to get home and into bed.  As I called goodbye over my shoulder to a coworker, I pulled the car door open, an activity I’ve done thousands upon thousands of times in my car driving years.

For some reason, this time was different.

As I turned back to the car, suddenly something pointy smacked right into my left cheekbone.  I might have cried out, I’m not really sure.  It happened very fast and I was taken completely by surprise.

Through the haze of shock, pain and wonder, I  realized it was the one sharp point on the whole door.   I had managed to simultaneously turn into it as I pulled the door open.  Then, all I could do was laugh.  Well, it was either that or cry; it hurt really badly.

The coworker, who didn’t actually see what happened was very alarmed and came running over asking what happened.  I gave a somewhat hysterical and jumbled explanation while gasping from laughter over my stupidity and unusual level of clumsiness.  And she reassured me I wasn’t bleeding, but even in the dim light of the parking lot she could see a bruise already forming.

Feeling like an idiot I said, “Now people will think I’ve been in a bar fight.  They will have a whole different opinion of me now.”

She laughed with me and asked if I was going to be okay.  As I wasn’t bleeding, I had to presume I was, or would be, once I got over the embarrassment and affront to my dignity.  But, I tell you what, that really smarted.  All the way home.  Back at the house, and then I finally feel asleep to the stinging throb of my poor face.

Last night there was a roughly quarter-sized red welt with few ruptured capillaries visible.  I applied my favorite all purpose topical cream, Preparation H, to keep the hemorrhaging down and hopefully help numb the pain.  And, let me tell you, that stung, boys and girls.

This morning the welt is a little angrier looking, but still mostly red.  No black and blue.  And, it now it mostly feels tight from the swelling, as long as I don’t bump or touch the area.  I tried to take a photo, but the light washes out the ugliness, so you will just have to imagine me with a big red bump under my eye.

I don’t really know whether or not to be glad it’s not black and blue, as it is, now it sort of resembles a giant, headless zit.

February 27, 2015

So far, this is all Friday has going for it

by Janie Jones

So the universe apparently doesn’t want me to have clean clothes.  The washing machine at the farm broke down on me last Saturday, as you may recall.  Yesterday I went to do some laundry in the machines in the house I’m living in in town.  And, lo and behold, the washing machine here wouldn’t run at all.

So, I had some soup, and decided to call it a day early again, in hopes I could wake up this morning returned to my pre-cold vim and vigor.  Or at least be regularly worn out and not sick and worn out.

But the room mate who likes to have guests stay in the extra basement room decided again to have company last night without giving me any notice.  I won’t go into the details, but it interrupted my night and when I did finally fall back to sleep, I slept fitfully dreaming of people barging in on me in all sorts of ways and situations until my alarm went off.

So I am quite glad it’s Friday for Friday’s sake, as I have the weekend off and I can try to rest some more and catch up on the ever present mountain of homework.

But, if we are trying very hard to find silver linings, I can also be glad that today I finished the two boxes of nasty breakfast cereal I bought on sale and have been choking down every morning for the last couple weeks.

See, I don’t always have to complain.  I can find things to be happy about even with a headache, disrespectful roommates, and being broke.

Happy Friday to you, in what ever ways it turns out to be special.

February 25, 2015

Still under quarantine

by Janie Jones

“My dear doctor, I’m surprised to hear you say that I am coughing very badly, because I have been practicing all night.”

-John Philpot Curran, 1750-1817

 

I am feeling rather disconcerted.  I woke up feeling a little better yesterday, now this morning I feel absolutely stoned.  And, that’s without any drugs, as I didn’t feel bad enough to need any last night.  I can barely focus, which is weird, and adds to the stoned feeling.

My friend, Pete, who I had dinner with last Friday apparently has the Influenza and pneumonia.

influenzasignlg

I’m not convinced I have Influenza.  I don’t have a fever, I don’t have any nausea/vomitting (thankfully!) and most of my problem seems to be in the sinuses, which I generally think of as a simple cold.  So, I don’t think my case is as serious Pete’s, but I am still disappointed I’m not feeling significantly better today, considering I came home early yesterday and went to bed by 5:30pm.  I am hoping tea and a hot shower will help, otherwise, it’s going to be a rough day.  I can’t afford to take off work.  And, of course, school doesn’t stop just because one is ill, although I have been skipping my afternoon classes the last few days.

*Sigh*

Well, we are supposed to get our grades back today from our first physics test of the semester.  At least I have something to look forward to in getting up today.  I’d roll my eyes in a sarcastic manner, but my head aches in a funny way.

Better health to you all.

 

 

 

February 23, 2015

Well, now I know why I had that screaming headache Saturday

by Janie Jones

Saturday I did finally make it out to the farm, only  to have the washing machine (which is maybe a year old) break on me.  It would not drain.  So, I did my best to fish out my clothes, hand wring them, threw them in a garbage bag, and bailed out the washing machine.  I then schlepped the very heavy bag of sodden half washed clothes to the truck and drove back to town.

I had some errands to run, so I stopped on my way back to my room.  First I went for a haircut, I go to one of those no-appointment discount places, but there is a particular hair dresser that works there that I always wait to see, as she does a pretty good job.  But she wasn’t in on Saturday.  It was a bit of a long shot, but the salon was in the same shopping center so I thought I’d try my luck.  Should have known better.

The I went to the crafts store.  I wanted a decorative shoe box.  I thought I had a coupon.  So I looked at the various options, some were marked $9.99, and some $3.99.  So I opted for a plain black one.  I waited in line for about 10 minutes (there was only one check out lane open), finally got to the register, discovered my coupon wasn’t good until March, then apparently the plain black boxes were also $9.99.  Well, I wasn’t about to pay ten plus dollars for what basically is a black cardboard shoe box, so I left.

Next I went to the computer store.  I need a micro USB to VGA adaptor for my new tablet/netbook.  I wandered about the store as they had rearranged everything and the computer accessories weren’t where they used to be, naturally.  Finally a clerk found me and led me to their new location.  No micro USB to VGA adaptors were to be had.

By this point, it was almost 3pm.  My headache was down to a dull roar, thanks to a liberal use of naproxen and muscle relaxers, but I was feeling quite worn out.  So I called off the rest of the excursion and drove back to my place in town, only to break the wheel on my laundry tote trying to haul the big bag of wet clothes inside.  It is rather impressive how much a load of wet clothes weigh, even after you’ve hand wrung them.

Once inside, of course the other renters were already using the laundry machines so I had to wait to finish my stuff until Sunday.  I decided the day was such a loss I’d just reheat some pizza and watch Jane Austen movies until I fell asleep.  So I went to set up my DVD player, which I haven’t used since I bought it on uber-sale after Christmas.

Hahahahahahahhahahahahahaha.

Oh, Janie Jones, don’t you ever learn?

Well, the diagram for plugging the damn thing into my ‘smart’ TV that came with the VCR didn’t match the configuration on the actual backside of the TV.  So I had to randomly try plugging the stuff in until I finally gave up and dug out the TV manual.  Then I realized I had tried the correct combination more than once, but it still wasn’t working.

Eventually, about a half hour later I finally figured out that there’s a special setting called COMP that I have to switch the TV to when I want to use the VCR, and that I need to go into the menu options then in the COMP setting I have to type in VCR so the damn ‘smart’ TV knows to search for a VCR through the COMP ports.

So, after this I decided it was Rum Punch time, muscle relaxers and naproxen be damned.

You know, Emma Thompson’s Sense and Sensibility and a Rum Punch do tend to make up for a lot of things.

I would have posted this yesterday, having woken up feeling much better, but I got busy with various household chores like rewashing my laundry.  In general the day started out quite well, with the exception of being quite lonely.  Leif, who knew of Saturday’s travails, happened to call while I was feeling quite blue and that cheered me up enough to get a fair amount of things accomplished, until mid-dayish when I realized I had come down with a head cold.

Proving once again, if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

Now some people would say there are lots of things I should be grateful for.  I didn’t die.  I didn’t even wreck the truck or have a house fire, or break my right arm.  And even though he’s far away, I had that lovely phone call from Leif just at that precise moment when I needed a figurative shoulder to lean on.  But seriously, how cruel is fate that after such a miserable Saturday I should come down with a cold on Sunday?