Going to school makes me feel very isolated, lonely and lost. Not in a real, physical sense of course. I’m never really alone, I have 5 other people living upstairs, I am surrounded by tons of other students and teachers and coworkers all day, and I know the Stickittoyou U campus and the Big City better than any other place I’ve ever moved. My feelings are purely emotional stemming from the fact that I don’t feel like I have any real connection to anyone around me. I lost my home which I loved, my daughter is 12 hours away, Leif and my dog are an hour away, and all the other people I care about are far away, too. My routine is to suffer through Physics, try and have some energy left to deal with my other classes, go to work, do homework, and grab a bite to eat before dropping dead of exhaustion. Sometimes when I don’t have to work weekends I go out to the farm to see Leif and the animals. But that is interlaced with homework and chores and financial concerns.
Then, even when there is a spare moment for checking in with all my good friends living far away, they are too busy with their own lives to be able to set aside much time to listen to me unload my fears, frustrations and grief and I feel really guilty only ever calling for a shoulder to cry/complain on. I’ve been dealing with so much crap for so long I even get sick of listening to myself. I have very limited phone access right now, anyway, as I’m running out of minutes on my cell phone. I never have been much of a phone talker so having one of these expensive cell phone plans never seemed worth the expense considering my tight budget.
Now, Leif who has been my family, my best friend, my rock, my go to person is thinking of going south for the winter to save money. It makes sense. I understand. I don’t want him to suffer, he needs to do what’s best for him. But if he does go away, I don’t know how I’ll manage. Right now, that’s one more loss, one I never expected, and it’s a big one. He’s my last port in the storm of my complicated life. I will then really have nothing but myself.
As Johnny Cash so eloquently says in A Boy Named Sue, I’ll have to get tough or die.
So today I have to go to my job as a tour guide. Somehow I have to stop the tears from flowing, paste on a smile, and do this thing called living. I can’t afford to call off and indulge my sadness and fear. I am trying really hard. Then this quote came to mind from my most favorite movie of all times, Joe vs. the Volcano:
Marshall: Listen, ain’t you got nobody?
Joe Banks: No. But there are certain times in your life when I guess you’re not supposed to have anybody, you know? There are certain doors you have to go through alone.
Marshall: …You’re gonna be all right.
People keep telling me I’ll be all right. They are probably right. But I am really tired of testing “how much worse can things get” before I get to all right. Bloggy buddies, if you can spare a prayer, please think of me.
Janie's Place 