Not entirely unwelcome, the bizarre pleasure of numbness

by Janie Jones

I can’t exactly say I’ve gotten over my funk, but today there is a marked feeling of numbness toward my situation.  While it will undoubtedly continue to wreak havoc on all my carefully laid plans, not having summer school this summer does have it’s perks.  I have found some extra work two days a week in addition to my TA position.  It is scanning documents and some filing.  It will provide a little extra income, which after taxes is pitifully little, but it won’t be grueling work by any stretch, and the hours I work are left to my discretion.  At least it will enable me able to pay my share of the bills until I figure out how to get myself out of this new mess.  I can’t say how long that will take, or what it will entail, but right now I don’t really care.

I find myself feeling rather numb to the consequences of this twist of fate, for it will certainly prove to be anything other than simple.  Yet, the “eh, who cares” feeling I woke up with this morning is not entirely unwelcome.  It is curiously liberating to know that at least for a while my time is primarily my own to dispose of as I see fit with little to no imposition by educators and homework of my own or of the spud.  I can take the spud to her summer activities myself.  I can sleep in when I’m tired.  I can find time to read, or clean or cook when I want and as much as I want.  Heck, I could even have time to exercise.  Hahahahaha.  Probably I will do as little as possible, because the freedom of being able to say I just don’t care is kinda intoxicating.

Presumably the panic will return, and probably sooner rather than later, but until then, is it so wrong to just not care?

Ah, then again, who cares if its wrong?

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One Comment to “Not entirely unwelcome, the bizarre pleasure of numbness”

  1. As long as it doesn’t become paralysis, I don’t think the numbness is a bad thing. People can only cope with so much and it’s probably a defence mechanism from your brain.

    Glad you found the extra work.

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