The Z-eff = the best apple pie ever

by Janie Jones

I had not intended to do a second post today, but then last night I had this dream and, it was too much fun.  So naturally I was eager to share with you all.

As REM once said, “Dreams they complicate my life.”  I used to be a great dreamer, and I would usually remember every detail.  Occasionally I’d have your garden variety scare the crap out of you nightmares, but mostly my dreams were more like watching really esoteric TV sitcoms.  It was actually kinda fun to sleep and dream.  Now I’m so stressed out and so much happens most of the time my dreams are boring re-enactments of my day or unremarkable and unmemorable.

Last night, however, my dream brain was in rare form treating me to one of those doozies.

I dreamed that I was in my chemistry class.  We were talking about how calculating the net effective nuclear charge of an atom could help produce the best apple pie ever.

Then it got weird.

I was in the exact classroom and all the students were the exact students from my chemistry class, but then it was no longer chemistry but was suddenly some cooking course taught by none other than Gordon Ramsay.  He spent most of the class talking in French and drawing incredibly life like drawings of himself on the chalkboard.  One of the students kept trying to ask him questions about the cooking textbook she had, but no one could hear his answers.   After class I decided I’d better go talk to him because I realized I had never gotten a syllabus and had no idea what we were supposed to be studying.  When I went to meet him he was buck naked, and apparently had been given the same eye drops I got at the ophthalmologist that turned my contacts yellow.  His eyes were super dilated and he was acting goofy and giddy.  He told me I had beautiful brown eyes and a nice ass and kept getting his face just inches from mine.  I remember thinking how it was hard to tell if his eyes were really that blue or if they were tinted contacts, but then with the yellow stain from the eyed drops and with the pupils being hugely dilated I’d probably never know.

Yes.  I dreamed that Gordon Ramsay was buck nekkid and flirting with me and the only bits my dream self focused on were his eyes.  Seriously.  But then, who really dreams of getting romantic with a two legged pug?

And that was the end of the dream.  I woke up sometime later thinking about apple pie and the net effective nuclear charge calculation:  Zeff=z-s where Zeff is your net effective nuclear charge and z=the atomic number and s=your non valence electrons.

Would this dream be any less strange if I told you that I have always made apple pie for Thanksgiving and this is the first year I decided to be lazy and buy a store bought strawberry-rhubarb pie instead?


3 Comments to “The Z-eff = the best apple pie ever”

  1. Chemistry, apple pie and a naked Gordon Ramsay in one dream? There’s some doozy of a psychological analysis to be found, but I’m betting you don’t want to hear it.

  2. I apologise for my fellow Brit. Not that he did anything specific to you in your weird dream; I just think we all need to apologise for Gordon Ramsay at every opportunity.

  3. With pie in mind, Happy Thanksgiving.

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