My neighbor has discovered the missing cure to the Black Death…

by Janie Jones

…raw milk.

Okay, she didn’t actually say that, but that’s the logical conclusion.

Apparently since they moved in last spring her 4 children have had the flu constantly.  Her infallible logic has lead her to the conclusion that all their health problems are the result of drinking pasteurized milk, which her children never had done before until they moved up here because in this neck of the Great White North she couldn’t find black market raw milk.  Now, apparently she had a lead on raw milk in the area, but it came from corn fed beef, which we all know leads to gut rot.

Damn that corn feed beef.  Damn those Indians for introducing corn to cattle ranchers.

But, “Megan,” seriously believes that a person can live quite healthily on nothing but raw milk from grass fed cows.  I dared to mention that milk in general does not supply iron, which is essential to good health.  Her husband said, “Well, I don’t know about that, and what other minerals and things might be missing, but a person really can live and be totally healthy on raw milk alone.”

“If it’s grass fed.”  Megan interjected.

“Of course.”  Her husband agreed seriously.

I gave up arguing and just agreed.  After all, these people also don’t believe in evolution.  You know, the planet and the known universe is only like 6000 years old or something.  And, Megan won’t send her kids to public school because they don’t need to learn about that ridiculous nonsense which is evolution.

Okay.  Whatever.

But, you can’t deny that if raw milk will cure your kids of the flu, 100 million people could have been saved from the Black Death if only they had been able to drink raw milk.

Oh, wait.  They didn’t have pasteurized milk during the height of the Plague.  So, why did they still die?

Maybe they weren’t on raw milk only diets.  Or, probably it was the stupid corn those cows were being fed.  You know raw milk from corn fed cows causes gut rot.

Oh.  Wait.  Corn didn’t make it to the old world until after Columbus.  And, we all know Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1492. Well at least those of us who went to public school and accept that the world is round.

Well, I’d rather have harmless crazy neighbors drinking black market raw milk and believing it is some homeopathic all purpose cure all than neighbors that call us in to the police because our trailer sat on the street for an entire week while we were widening our driveway.

You just gotta love your neighbors.  Please pass the raw milk.


4 Comments to “My neighbor has discovered the missing cure to the Black Death…”

  1. There’s nothing like raw milk, a hand full of vitamins and the satisfaction of knowing your milk may contain bacteria that will turn your intestines into jello. Might as well throw in some vegetables that never were sprayed with insecticides, although the runoff from the pig pen may have been splashed on a few.

    I’m betting your neighbor never considered the allergy problems that can be found when people move to new locations and are exposed to new allergens. They haven’t been fighting the flu, they’ve been fighting allergies.

    • They are nice neighbors, just they have some strange ideas. I agree, though, there’s any number of probable causes for the illness not related to drinking pasteurized milk. Like maybe the house floods anytime there’s the suggestion of rain and mold is growing up their basement walls.

  2. When my sister, going through her Mother Of the EVER phase (to be fair, she never got out of it, she just shut up a little), used to try to trick her husband into drinking breast milk…. no, not out of the original fun container, but in a glass. She tried to send it to preschool with her toddler in a thermos. She would try to trick visitors into having it in their coffee. When she’d succeed, she’d crow about how she’d just saved their very LIFE, previously doomed by bad eating habits.
    Thanks to her, her children refuse to drink any milk, anywhere. And no one wants coffee at her house.
    I mean, okay, I will agree breastfeeding is good for babies, etc. However, dragging out a boob to get a shot of Eternal Life in your cuppa joe at Ihop is a bit much.
    Also, my first thought on the raw milk thing was……why didn’t she just buy a cow and drag it around with her? And doesn’t raw milk have a million billion germ processes just churning in it? And also….. eww.
    Shuttin’ up now.

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