Some days I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this large a shit sandwich in my current life

by Janie Jones

*sigh*

I’m so frustrated and miserable and pissed off and broke I have been on the verge of tears all day.  And I have no one else to talk to, and no shoulder to cry on, and no help is at hand or on the horizon so I thought I’d blog.

But, I’ve erased and rewritten this post three times now because I just have so many feelings and as I am pouring out my heart I hate the sight of my own thoughts.

And I’m sick of hearing the platitudes that things will get better, or that you just have to work harder.  Because it is all just bullshit.  I do work hard.  I work harder than most people I know.  And, just when you think things are getting better something you can’t expect invariably yanks the rug out from under you.  No matter how hard you try to keep your balance or soldier on, some things are just out of your control.  I am starting to feel as though I can barely carry the burden of my own choices much less the crap others seem to keep dumping on me any more.  And it’s not like I want or expect a free ride in life.  I am fine with working hard, and having to get out an push from time to time.  I just would like to see it getting me somewhere instead of always feeling like I’m indefinitely pushing the car up a steep hill laced with knee deep potholes and it’s never my turn to ride shotgun or drive.  Hell, I’d even be happy to just perch on the tailgate a while.

And, in my dark mood and moment of psychological weakness, it was also apparently my lot to be interrupted from my reverie about how the hell I was going to manage to pay for my groceries and still put gas in my car to get to school tomorrow and to have to suffer the sarcasm of the grocery store bagger.  Seriously, Universe, was that poke really necessary today?

Sometimes, a tiny voice in the back of my head just says, maybe it would be better if you did just go blind.  Then I’d have a reason people could understand and not be judgmental about when I say I have to stop because I can’t do this anymore.   Or at the very least perhaps cut me some slack and really help me out.  I know I shouldn’t say things like this, but I am so tired and so miserable and there just doesn’t seem to be any relief in the near future.  I keep telling myself that getting through school will open doors and bring the stability to my life that I so badly want, but I don’t know how I’m going to be able to get through school.  And it’s not me not working hard that’s the problem, because I’m more than ready and willing to learn, I love my subjects this year and I’m stoked and so excited to be back in classes.  But, it’s money, and my health and the spud and where I live and gas prices, and my 12 thousand year old tuna can on wheels I rely on to get me to school and all the hoops I have to jump through every day to keep my sorry ass in school and food on the table and a roof over my head.  What will I do if I have to quit school because I can’t afford it?  What will I do if I can’t find a job to pay my bills if I quit school?  What will happen if I do go blind because they can’t fix my stupid wonky eye and the problem spreads to my good eye?  They said it wouldn’t but they also said the radiation was supposed to stop my bad eye from getting worse and it didn’t.  I’m just so frustrated feeling like every time I get a taste of happiness I turn around and get it beaten out of me.  And I’m sure if I don’t go blind the stress of other things will kill me.

All I can do is hope.  But, Hope is starting to wear a little thin and get on my nerves.

I know I have some wonderful blog friends and you will read this and feel worried for me.  I worry for me too.  At least now I don’t have to worry alone.  And, that is a small thing, but a good thing.  Thank you.

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9 Comments to “Some days I wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this large a shit sandwich in my current life”

  1. Janie, I do worry for you- but I’m so glad you chose to say this. Vent all you need to. Life can be very grey sometimes. Shout here- this is your space, and we will always be here to read what you want to share x

  2. You didn’t do anything. Life just sucks, and it sucks more for some people than for others. That’s no comfort; it just is what it is.

    I am praying for you and I have asked for you to be added to our prayer chain, so lots of people will be praying for you. I hope you don’t mind. I can’t do anything practical to help, being so far away, so I hope it will at least comfort you to know that people across the world are thinking of you.

    XX

  3. I follow a lot of blogs and sometimes I read them all and other days I just don’t have time. Today, this blog came to my in box and it caught my eye. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your struggles because I think it really helps me and all the rest of the followers. I think relief is coming, and it is coming soon. Keep putting it out there that you need a break. Thanks again for your honest candor.

  4. Almost a year after this post was made I am randomly reading it because I am feeling the same things and decided to Google a phrase that made your post come up. I am right where it seems you were when writing this, broke, frustrated, feeling cheated. I am a student and a single Mom that can’t seem to make ends meet and my health sucks which doesn’t make things easier. I guess the saying misery loves company is a bit right since reading your post made me feel not so alone. Hope things got better for you and I hope there is an end to all this madness somewhere out there.

    • Kelly,

      Thanks for your comment! I’d love to say things got a lot better, but while somethings have, there’s a long way for me to go before I finish school and so at this time this year I have a different, but equally miserable shit sandwich.

      Over the last year I’ve had many moments where I was pretty sure I was a goner, stressed out to the point of breaking. No miracles heralded by lottery wins and fan fare or life altering inheritances from long lost relatives, nor even by hard, grueling work, occurred to keep me going or to improve my lot, I’m just still here through sheer orneriness, desperation and the only bit of hope left is that not continuing on this path and simply giving up would be a thousand times worse misery than the misery I’m currently enduring. However, I can say I have some of the best blog friends and in person cheerleaders and in moments like these they reach out and try and give me a pep talk to keep me going.

      In the end, I don’t want to die a waste and a failure so I find yet another reserve of strength to plop that foot down in front of the other and keep going. I don’t know for sure I’m going forward, but I’ve at least gotten back up.

      As it happens, just yesterday I was talking to someone from my school office who was very sympathetic saying I shouldn’t give up. And, I heard myself saying, “I can’t just lie in bed and wait to die. I don’t have enough patience to wait that long.” I don’t know where it came from, maybe that was my miracle, but it was definitely sincere and just hearing that come out of my mouth was strangely exhilarating. Like, “I am woman, hear me roar!”

      I tend to forget this sometimes, but the Universe sends people to be there at the right time. If you lie in bed or walk always with your head down and your eyes full of tears you will miss them and the opportunities they harken. Yesterday the Universe sent me you and the office lady. Because of you two people I faced the day a little stronger, and resolved a batch of problems so I can now juggle a new set of problems. But if I gave up and stayed home I would have missed it.

      Best of luck to you. I encourage you to start your own anonymous blog if you haven’t already done so. It is good to have a non judgmental place to dump your woes, and when you have moments of triumph or happiness you will have someone to share them with who can fully appreciate the victory in them. And, I hope you’ll visit again, maybe my brand of insanity will help you through your tough places just like you helped me through mine.

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