I am brazenly, and unapologetically, about to piss off a whole bunch of cat people

by Janie Jones

Holy dogs and cats living together Batman!

I have just returned home from what can only be described as a nightmare of feline proportions.  I have spent the last few days cat sitting.

That’s right.  I said cat sitting.  And for those of you who’ve never been, let me clue you in.  Cat sitting mainly involves trying to make yourself useful to creatures who spend all of their time earnestly endeavoring to ignore your entire existence.  But, “Hey,” I tell myself, “Self, you’re here to be helpful to the human who, in a moment of bad judgement opened her home to cats, is a good friend and if the well being of the cats involved is assured in the process, I guess that is a side effect we will have to live with.”  Famous last words of the Cat Naive.

But, I think I’ve skipped a head a bit.  Allow me to go back and properly set the scene.

This is Felix (in orange) and this is Mimosa (in calico).  Felix and Mimosa’s Cat Mom happens to be my good friend Peggy.  Peggy also happens to live just 5 blocks from the clinic where I am getting my radiation therapy.  Before this convenient fact draws you to the inevitable light bulb over the head moment and you think, Janie, why don’t you hang with Peggy this summer and save yourself a lot of time and money driving every day to treatment, allow me to further explain.  Peggy, though my age, still lives like a college student.  She has a tiny, run-down, one bedroom apartment with no AC and just two windows.  Windows which only open via a crank that turns the glass out like horizontal window blinds so you really only get the window open like maybe six inches and you better hope any breeze you desire to catch is not blowing from the opposite direction and gets deflected by the glass.  But, it’s not even so much about wanting to get in a cool breeze, it’s about wanting to get out the smell of this:

This photo was taken while the box was still relatively clean, but still look at all the litter crap those beasts throw all over the floor.  Did I make that photo big enough?  They throw litter on the floor!  And, despite the tiny size of the apartment, there are two of these cat boxes.  You know, so that they can crap in tandem.  And, when you’re not smelling cat poop or cat pee, there’s the lovely smell of canned cat food lingering in the air.  However, even I, as unschooled as I was in the Ways of Cats, thought to myself, “Self, maybe you can stay at Peggy’s a few times a week to cut down on the driving and the expense.”  Then Peggy says to me, “Hey Janie, I am going out of town for a long weekend after the 4th of July, would you be willing to cat sit?”  And like a chump I say, “Sure, not a problem.”

So Leif naturally wants to tag along because Cat Sitting at Peggy’s also by default means a long weekend in the Big City.  And, so naturally Rupert tags along as well, because it wouldn’t make much sense to get a dog sitter so we could go cat sit.

The point of this post is not actually about dogs and cats living together, although they all got along swimmingly.  If by swimmingly you take me to mean Rupert spent all his time either under the bed or under the chair either Leif or I was sitting in while Felix stared daggers at him from the bathroom hallway or the bedroom doorway and Mimosa hid in the dishes.  Yes.  You read that right.  She sat in the rack of clean, dry dishes.  We didn’t use any of those dishes to eat from, I assure you.  But, when she wasn’t hiding (and doing a poor job of it I assure you) amongst the dishes she was more effectively hiding in the bathroom cupboard.  Oh, by the way, cats can open cupboards and let themselves in and out on their own.  Generally, they seem to prefer to hide in there when you’re not looking, then come out in a rush of speed hissing, with hair standing on end, as you sit down on the toilet to do your business.  Seen from the silver lining point of view, being startled so much your sh*t yourself could be a boon if you’ve been constipated.  Way to go there Mimosa!

Any way, aside from solidifying my affiliation as a dog person, the point is that I actually learned a lot from my foray in to cat sitting:

10.  The joys of helping a friend by cat sitting will linger with you.  Generally for up to 36 hours in the from of dog farts that smell like cat food and dog poops that smell like cat food.

9.  The houses of people who own cats probably smells less as a result of the litter box and more of a result of cat farts from that nasty canned crap they call cat food.

8.  When a cat is mewling in front of his cat food dish at dawn, his plan is not just to get you to feed him.  It is three fold, first he is testing you for weakness, whether you will be the one who loses the test of wills and succumbs to his demands by getting up and feeding him or to see if you will vomit at the smell of canned cat food at 5 am; either way cat-1 human-0.  Secondly to practice his psychological warfare skills by repeatedly disturbing your slumber and finally to practice his biological warfare skills when 6 hours later you’re trying to nap in a cloud of farts generated by all three animals that earlier consumed said cat food.

7.  Cats have toilet envy.  I mean, who can blame them.  I would too if I had to do my business in a cat box.  I hate getting sand between my toes.

6.  On account of number 7, cats spend most of their time loitering on or behind the toilet.  Using the toilet in the dark with out your glasses can be a frightening experience.  I felt like I was having a Alice in Wonderland nightmare.  What’s worse is when they hiss and punch at you when you reach to flush.  Apparently they figure if they don’t get to flush their cat boxes we shouldn’t get to flush our toilets.

5.  Cats are always preparing for war.  I understand.  I’d be pissed too if someone removed my one true weapon, my claws.  And, sans claws they have to get creative with their weaponry arsenal.  Biting, is not nearly sneaky enough, and believe me, they have much better and more irritating tools in their arsenal.  Projectile vomiting and hairball vomit mines.  And, waiting to vomit the minute you sit down to a hot cup of tea and a nice fresh roasted chicken, now that’s battle plan even Patton would approve.

4.  Cats are clever bastards.  While you are trying to get their vomit cleaned up, they get to eat nice fresh roasted chicken, instead of that canned crap that looks like it tastes like a cat food fart.  Seriously.  Those tiny cans of cat food are just as expensive as canned meat made for people to eat.  I swear I’d be pissed at that too if I was a cat.  Feed me real tuna or I vomit my way from here to the grocery store and back.

3.  Cats are not only extremely nimble, but also very mechanically inclined.  They can stretch their bodies and gain like 9 inches of length, they can leap up like 5 feet into the air to get on top of shelves, they open cupboards and can sabotage the electric Spotbot carpet cleaner.  Don’t ask me how they do these things.  Nine times out of ten I don’t see it happen, but by the end of the third day I just knew anything that went bump in the night or ceased to function must be due to cat cleverness and dexterity.  However, even evil geniuses still have weaknesses.  Cats must humble themselves to ask you to turn on the tub faucet for a drink.  Obviously you stupid human, tub faucet water is like ambrosia of the gods.

2.  If cats had fingers on their paws, they’d flip you off.  And lest you feel too loved because they rubbed against you and mewled until you gave them a drink, they’ll drink too much then vomit all over the carpet.  Not on the bathroom linoleum, silly human.  Where’s the fun in that?  Vomit on the carpet or don’t waste your time vomiting at all.  Watch this Mimosa, today I’m vomiting for volume and distance.  Did she ever fix the Spotbot?  Goodness no.  Stupid human, as if Google could explain how cat engineers sabotage the one button Spotbot.  When will they learn.  Luckily for me, it never ceases to be funny.  You know that’s what they are saying as they saunter off, tails high, and give you that little saucy twitch.

And, the number one thing I learned from cat sitting:

1.  The Chinese Super Buffet pays well, and they don’t seem to mind if a little hair is left behind.  Plus if you gut, skin and quarter them first you’ll get an extra fifty cents a pound.

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6 Comments to “I am brazenly, and unapologetically, about to piss off a whole bunch of cat people”

  1. This was amusing enough to forgive any part of insulted I, as a cat person, might have felt. Because as much as I love them, they ARE bastards.

  2. That’s why I’ve never been a big fan of cats. They turn into the creatures you describe after they take over while they’re kittens. It’s some kind of mind meld thing with horrible results. One more week of care, and you’d be assimilated.

  3. I adore cats but you speak nothing less than the truth. I never lose an opportunity to repeat a poster I read in the pet shop: Cats were once worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

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