And that takes a lot of nerve

by Janie Jones

True story.

A little over a year ago I purchased a subscription to Disney’s Family Fun Magazine for, well family fun enjoyment.  It was cheap, only $10 for a year (10 or 12 issues) so I figured, what the heck.  There were a lot of crafts and recipes and suggestions for activities I simply just don’t have time or emotional or financial resources for.  So, the magazine became a source of paper dolls for the spud.  Which was still okay, it got enjoyed in some form.  However, when the year ran out, I decided, as the spud gets three other magazines and myself two, we didn’t need another magazine destined to be cut up into paper dolls and let the subscription lapse.

Now, periodically they send me a bill for renewing my subscription.  Generally I just throw it away.  However, yesterday another notice came in the mail and I got to thinking that it seemed as though that subscription should have ended several months ago and yet here I was still getting re-subscription invoices.  Why on Earth were they still pestering me?   Something made me open the one I got yesterday, and, well, let me tell you, even if I was interested in making hot dog race cars and sock puppets and pipe cleaner- whoops! I mean chenille stem- crafts until the second Tuesday of next week when the cows come home, this letter would definitely make me change my mind about renewing a lapsed subscription:

YOUR FINAL OPPORTUNITY TO SETTLE THIS MATTER BY SENDING PAYMENT!

FINAL NOTICE

YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN PLACED IN THE FAMILY FUN MAGAZINE’S BAD DEBT FILE.  WE HAVE SENT YOU 6 OTHER INVOICES WHICH YOU NEVER PAID.

IF OUR LETTERS CROSSED IN THE MAIL, PLEASE FORGIVE US.  UPON PROCESSING YOUR INFORMATION YOUR SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED.

WE ARE RELUCTANT TO CONSIDER MORE SERIOUS COLLECTION MEASURES, BUT WE NEED TO HEAR FROM YOU NOW.  WE AGAIN ASK THAT YOU PAY THE ABOVE INVOICE WITHIN 10 DAYS.  YOU MAY ALSO CONTACT US AT:  PO BOX 37033, BOONE, IA 50037-0033.

100% absolutely just like shown.  Yeah, all in caps, too.  Infuriating.  Yeah, you betcha.  Calculated to be insulting.  I pretty much think so.

Perhaps if I wasn’t so busy I’d have made a connection before, but in the fury of indignation at such a letter, I realized it seemed like I’d seen the a relatively new issue in the spud’s room recently.  So I went on a hunt, and discovered despite never asking to renew my subscription they still appear to be sending issues, at least as of the March issue which arrived several weeks ago.  Generally when you have a magazine subscription they print the expiration date on the label, none going as far back as September 2011 had one.  What was going on here?  Which begs the question: what would possess a company to send at least 7 months of magazines to someone who’d neither asked for them nor was badgered into paying for something they didn’t order after 6 invoices?

But the audacity doesn’t end there, oh, no.  I’m totally astounded that they’d have the gall to put me in a “bad debt file” when I never asked to renew my subscription.  I imagine the reason why they are “reluctant to consider more serious collection measures” is because there is nothing to collect on seeing as I never asked to renew my subscription.  But of course, they seem to have overlooked the key reason that why after 6 invoices I haven’t paid is because I never asked to renew my subscription.  But seeing as they are still sending me issues I didn’t ask for (again I say WTF?!?) they probably think they have a right to ask me to “pay the above invoice within 10 days” hoping I’ll be a sucker and just agree to take on another year of a magazine I don’t want or be too stupid to realize I never asked to renew my subscription and think it’s all my mistake.

So, they “need to hear from [me] now,” eh?  Don’t worry Family Fun Magazine.  Oh, you’ll hear from me.  And, when I’m done contacting you, you’ll have heard more than enough from me.  In fact, every one I know will hear just how much you need to hear from me now.

As our letters never crossed in the mail, and will never cross in the mail in the future, there’s no danger that I’ll ever forgive you.  You can just take your lame little magazine and shove it up your mouse hole.

Some people just have a lot of nerve.

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3 Comments to “And that takes a lot of nerve”

  1. Go Janie! You show them 😉

  2. I really hate things like that, and Disney to boot.

  3. If they send Mickey Mouse around, grab him by both ears and headbutt him.

    Send them an invoice for their subscription to your blog, then put them in your Bad Debt File when they don’t pay it.

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