Tuesday Titters: Week 9; A bird that ran a ‘fowl’ of his owner

by Janie Jones

I think there is more than one version of this joke out there, but I seem to recall having heard a version somewhat like this one some time ago…

This guy had inherited a parrot who had outlived his crude and foul mouthed uncle.  The first week after he inherited the parrot it did nothing but scream chauvinistic remarks, racial slurs and various obscenities morning noon and night.  The guy’s wife grew tired of it and demanded something be done.  So, the man had a talk with the parrot.

Man:  Polly, you’ve got to clean up your act or it will be history for you!  Please dial down the mouth!

Polly:  *Squwack!*  Polly want’s to screw you!

A few days went by and nothing much changed.  Eventually the wife gave the man an ultimatum.

Wife:  If you don’t shut that bird up, I’ll take matters into my own hands!

So the man once again talked to the bird.

Man:  Polly, now I’ve asked you very nicely to clean up your mouth.  My wife is getting very upset, you don’t want her to take matters into her own hands, now do you?

Polly:  *bobs head and clicks tongue*  Polly want’s to get ugly on that *%$@ ^&#@ing bee-otch!

Man:  No!  Polly!  Please.

Wife:  That’s it!  I’m going to cool you off, you beastly bird!

And the wife grabbed the parrot and stuffed him in the fridge over night.  The man pleaded with his wife, but she steadfastly refused to let the bird out until morning.  Finally morning came and the wife opened the fridge to find the bird huddled shivering in the back of the fridge.

Wife:  So.  Have you learned your lesson?

The bird glared at the woman and muttered.

Wife:  What was that?

Polly:  Nothing, you *%$@ ^&#@ing bee-otch!

And so the wife threw the bird back in to the refrigerator and slammed the door.

That evening the man came home from work and ran to the refrigerator to check on the parrot.  He opened the door to the fridge and gasped in horror.  There was bird poop every where and all the food had been strewn about, ruined.  The bird instantly flew out of the fridge. 

Man:  What have you done!?!

Polly:  *Squwak!*  I’ll show that *%$@ ^&#@ing bee-otch!  *Squwak!*

Man:  Shh!  She’ll hear you!

Polly:  Who the bloody ^&#@ing hell does that *%$@ ^&#@ing bee-otch think she is! 

Unfortunately all the noise got the wife’s attention, and she came into the kitchen.  She took one look at the mess and screamed in rage.

Man:  I’ll take care of it honey!  It’s okay.

Wife:  No!  Get out of here.  I’ll handle this.

As the man walked out of the kitchen he heard screaming, thumps and crashes and flapping of wings.

Polly:  Oh, I’m not going back into that !+? >@~= refrigerator you *%$@ ^&#@ing bee-otch! 

Wife:  Okay.  Fine.  You can cool off in here instead!

There was a slam and then it went quiet.

The man was too afraid of upsetting his wife to ask what went on in the kitchen.  The next morning the man was still too nervous to ask his wife about what happened in the kitchen, so instead he gave her a kiss and headed for the door.

Wife:  Oh, wait a minute dear.  I was going to make stuffed chicken tonight but I’m afraid that in all last night’s commotion, I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer.  Please stop on the way home and pick up some steaks or pork chops for dinner.  Unless you want fresh poultry for dinner.

Man:  No, no dear.  I’ll stop for something.  I won’t forget.  I promise.  Have a nice day.

All day long the man wondered and worried about the parrot.  He didn’t forget his shopping errand either.  He even left work a bit early so he could arrive home in good time with two plump filet Mignon and a large bouquet of roses.

His wife seemed happy, the house was quiet and they had a lovely evening like they hadn’t had since he’d inherited the bird.  At last the man went to the family room and sat down to the television.  He was startled by a soft, sweet voice coming from the corner of the room.

“Good evening, sir.  Hello.  Did Sir have a nice day?”

The man looked around and noticed the parrot shivering on a perch in the shadows next to the heat register.

Man:  Polly!  I didn’t know you were there.  What’s the matter with you?  Are you cold?

Polly:  Hello!  Polly is warming up nicely, Sir.  Would Sir like a cracker?  Does Sir want a cigar?  Hello!  Get Sir some slippers!

The bird flew off and returned with the man’s slippers.  The man was stunned.

Man:  Polly!  Thank you!  My goodness, you’re like a different bird.  What happened?

The bird shivered and cried:  Did you see what that c%$k- s#@king bee-otch did to that poor G+d damn chicken?  I didn’t want to bloody f*cking end up like that bugger!

Happy Tuesday

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