Spudisms #10: When updates from the planet obvious rock your world

by Janie Jones

My alternate title for this piece was: Lessons in the birds and the bees.
Or: The spud, mind like a steel trap.
Or: Child, thy middle name should have been Captain Obvious.
Or: Embarrassing Mommahood stories.

Well, I hope you’re forewarned, this post may get graphic.

Apparently the spud’s class made a big deal out of Groundhog Day. Lately it’s been Punxsutawney Phil this and Punxsutawney Phil that, and what is a little less apparent but I believe I managed to logic out of context clues, if you can call 7 year old jabber context, there was some story about a girl groundhog named Phyllis (which took me a few extra minutes to decipher, because she first pronounced it phallus, and so I probably missed a good three minutes of the conversation pondering that one) who wanted to be Phil and borrowed her grandfather’s top hat (you can see why the mispronunciation threw me off, I thought for sure she’d stumbled across some dirty joke).

Don’t even try to ask what all this means. This is the best I can translate.

Spud: Phyllis was a groundhog just like Phil.

Me: Mmmhmm.

Spud: Well, she wasn’t exactly like Phil. She was a girl, Phil was a boy.

Me: Mmmhmm.

Spud: Boys and girls are different, Momma. That means they’re not the same.

Me: Yes. *ecstatic to finally understand something she said* Yes. That’s very true.

But, in the back of my mind I was also thinking, “Well thank you Captain Obvious.”

Of course the spud understands the differences between boys and girls. We’ve talked about it before from time to time, especially since about a year or so ago when she asked her daddy why his pants bunched out between his legs.  A few weeks ago I found a book about reproduction with tasteful age appropriate pictures. I don’t believe in making sex and babies a mystery, besides, I’ve had multiple health and biology courses where she’s already seen all kinds of photos in my text books. But, at seven, there is a different interpretation of the obvious.

Spud: Momma. When girl zebras have a baby the boy zebra gets on top of her.

Me: Well, actually that happens first. The boy zebra gets on top and puts his penis in the girl zebra to make the baby zebra.

Spud: Right. Because boys have penises.

Me: That’s right.

Spud: And girls don’t.

Me: That’s right.

Spud: So daddy put is penis in you before I was born.

Me: *insert sound of needle being drug across a record album (surely you all remember that sound, right?) and suddenly this conversation isn’t so fun any more* Ahh. Yeah, that’s right.

Spud: That’s gross.

Me: *it was rapidly becoming clear as to why the poor stork was such a popular scapegoat* Yeah. Yeah. It kinda sounds that way right now, but you’re only seven.

But, what I was really thinking was, “Are we done here, Captain Obvious?”

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2 Comments to “Spudisms #10: When updates from the planet obvious rock your world”

    • She’s something else! Although I can’t say she’s as intentionally funny as your spud. As they say, “out of the mouths of babes.” In her case, you’d think I’d have more than just 10 of these….

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