Well, will wonders never cease

by Janie Jones

So, I got an email from one of my congress persons today. Or rather, I should say I got a [form] letter from my congress person’s blue dressed intern or assistant. It read like this:

January 20, 2012

Dear *Ms. Jones:

Thank you for contacting me about the Protect IP Act. I appreciate hearing from you and especially appreciate hearing the concerns you have raised.

On January 20th, 2012, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced an indefinite postponement of the scheduled Senate vote on the Protect IP Act. As Congress continues to consider this issue, please know that I will work to make sure your concerns are addressed.

The internet has dramatically altered the manner in which we communicate, conduct business, seek entertainment and find information. It is vital to ensure that online innovation and openness are preserved so the American people can continue to freely to express themselves and pursue personal and economic endeavors over the internet.

It is also important that foreign criminals not be allowed to steal the property of others without consequence. The pirating of intellectual property is not a victimless crime. Rather, it threatens the jobs and livelihoods of millions of middle class American workers and businesses. However, we must seek ways to protect people from online piracy, particularly foreign piracy, without limiting web-based innovation or a free exchange of ideas.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact me. One of the most important parts of my job is listening to what the people of [my state] have to say to me. I am here in our nation’s capital to do the public’s business and to serve the people of our state. I hope you will contact me again about matters of concern to you.

Sincerely,

[Senator’s Name]
United States Senator

*Names and places have been changed to maintain my blogging identity mystique. Great word, that: mystique. Although, I wasn’t much impressed with Mystique as an X-men character. But, I digress.

So, I really just wanted to shake my virtual finger at all you foreign criminals out there and say, “Stop stealing from our Great American Internet.” You know, it is rumored that Al Gore invented the internet, snipe hunting and pants. It’s obvious to see that pants wearing snipe hunters have the legitimate rights to internet ownership and it’s all you foreigner’s faults that our pants wearing snipe hunters may have to take their internet and go home. Think of all the poor middle class Americans you are victimizing!!!!

*Gasp* Sob! *Cluck*

Foreign Intellectual Property Pirates. There has to be a really funny joke in that, but it’s probably already someone else’s intellectual property so I couldn’t share it here anyway.

One silver lining though, if you can believe a word of what any politician says, the PIPA act vote has been indefinitely postponed. I bet someone on Capitol Hill realized that if this act was passed they wouldn’t be able to get at their porn. Porn saves the day!!!!

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2 Responses to “Well, will wonders never cease”

  1. Speaking as a Foreign Intellectual Property Pirate (does that mean I’m a foreign intellectual who steals houses?) can I just say that your last two sentences are brilliant.

    Well done, or Arrrhhh!, as we pirates say.

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