And then you wake up to this:

by Janie Jones

I really love the fall and winter in the Great White North.  Leif was a very patient man helping me hang my holiday lights last weekend.  And, we apparently accomplished the task just in time.  We got our first accumulation of snow last night.  It probably won’t last the day, but I know my favorite time of year is upon us.  Thanksgiving, birthdays, and Christmas.

I am happy as I stand on the curb waiting for Rupert to do his dog business, looking at my tiny patch of heaven glowing in the first real snowfall of the year.  The first snowfall of the year has always been a magical time of year for me.  And for those of my dear readers who are also my friends, I am really trying to get over my pity party.  I have good days and bad days, which I suppose is normal.  Yet, school is kicking my ass.

On the one hand, I really want to have the satisfaction of staying the course, on the other, I am tired of the never ending mountain of busy work that prevents the joy of learning.  I am also torn between wanting to study something I enjoy and the amount of time and money getting said education will deprive me of.  Money and time I’m not sure I want to spend on something that won’t necessarily guarantee me a job.  I’m tired, cranky and forgetful because I’m trying to do too much with so little and I don’t like myself very much right now.  I want to be better, do better, but I honestly feel I’m maxed out.

One could argue I’m making this sacrifice because I love my family and want something better for them.  I am definitely trying to better myself.  Yet, I’m starting to wonder if that elusive “better future” is worth missing 4 years of the present.  My body, my brain and my soul is starting to rebel.  I am starting to resent my homework.  I am resenting the money I’m pouring into my gas tank each trip to University.  I’m resenting the spud and Leif watching TV while I study.  I’m resentful that I worry about what’s not getting done while I’m “relaxing.”  But, I know I shouldn’t be at all.

So.  I’m trying not to worry about my health.  I’m trying not to care about the standards I’m dropping.  I’m trying not to worry about the spud.  I’m trying not to worry about how I’m going to continue to pay the bills and tuition.  But, in everything in life there is a trade off.  Someday there will be a reckoning and I’m starting to be afraid of the non monetary cost of my education.

Until then I suppose I’m going to try and enjoy what I can of this moment as I looked on my house all sparkly and my lawn all dusted with white snow.  I’ll just have to live on hope and dreams and pray the Universe doesn’t exact too high a price.  Maybe I’ll apply for that job as a grocery bagger at the local food store instead.


3 Comments to “And then you wake up to this:”

  1. Lovely. Poignant. Wonderful.

  2. It’s a lovely photo, Janie, and it sounds as if you really love this time of the year.

    Stick at the other stuff, it’ll be worth it in the end.

    Happy snow season.

  3. Beautiful photo, you’re living in the right place!

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