Flashback Friday rants at the world

by Janie Jones

I am tired. Very very tired. When Janie gets tired she becomes highly unpleasant to be around. I pity my family. I console myself that I’m doing this for them. What being a weepy miserable bitch? No. Going to school which makes me a weepy miserable bitch. What also makes me miserable is having to admit I can’t hack it.

It has been an ugly week at casa del Jones.

So I dug up a Flashback Friday post which seems in keeping with my cranky mood. And, is also poignant as fall has finally fallen and it’s back to long pants in the Great White North.

Friday, September 19, 2008
Fashion Police Should Eat More Donuts….
I want to know who it is who was the brain trust who decided that the only way you can get pants that come up above your belly button is to get the kind that taper at your ankle and make you look like an ice cream cone. Not attractive.

So just excuse the Hell out of me Stacey London and Clinton Kelley when I say that the new “low” rise look is just not cutting it for me. I seem to recall the fashion gurus saying a few years ago on an episode of “What Not to Wear” that tucking your shirt into high rise pants makes one look like Erkel, but last I checked, tucking your shirt into pants that barely cover one’s underpants looks pretty stupid too.

Anyone over the age of 25, and even the younger set who have given birth, does not need to have low rise pants with their stretched out mommy bellies hanging out. I might have had a nice enough belly to expose for about 60 seconds while I was in my early twenties, but still I didn’t see the point in having my thong strap or my belly button flashing the world.

Now, I am not skinny, but neither am I fat. I am pleasingly plump perhaps, but come on people. In order to cover my hind end and fit in my thighs, the size I have to buy invariably is about 4 inches too big in my waist. Low rise pants just do not stay up on that nameless area some where above my hips and below my waist. They are forever sliding down. No amount of ass will keep them up, and wearing a belt just makes me look like I’m wearing ill fitting pants that gap up in bunches around the belt. Ugly and uncomfortable. And, if I am lucky enough to not have them sliding off my ass, it seems like they bunch up in the little roll of loose skin below my belly button left over from 9 months of carrying a 25 pound watermelon in my uterus, then when I wear a snug fitting blouse you can see my belly button “dent” and it makes my little flap of skin look like a monstrous amount of whale blubber. Who looks good in these pants? Only super skinny teeny boppers.

But if a person like me with an amply rotund behind can’t keep her pants up, what to the really skinny chicks do? Tape them on?

Let’s be reasonable here. Who, other than the dorkiest she-geeks, actually tucks their shirts into blue jeans? Are you listening clothing designers and fashion police? Make us boot leg and straight leg jeans with real waists! Give me the old fashioned traditional high rise pants that keep my mommy flap concealed and keep my pants from falling off my ass because the waist opening is smaller than the hip opening!

If I win the lottery I am starting my own line of jeans that actually make sense for the body of a mature motherly female who wants to look nice, but not expose her flesh to all humanity.

Why am I carrying on you may ask?

Yesterday I was in a rush to get to work and needed to change from my “moving” duds. I grabbed the only clean pair of “nice” pants that were in my dresser (the rest are still hanging on the basement clothesline from when I last washed, about a week ago). Unfortunately, they were a pair that when cinched tightly enough to actually keep the pants on was extremely uncomfortable from the insane amount of bunched up denim between the belt and my gut, and that without a belt would not stay up. So, I either had to spend the whole evening at work feeling “bound up” or like I had gansta pants.

I hate fashion. And, I have now officially stayed up way too late to rant on and on about something as stupid as fashion.

I have a physics test today which has me scared shitless. There is no math involved, but I am afraid because I am so tired I think the neurons in my brain have melted and oozed out my ears. At least today I have a comfortable pair of jeans, which come all the way up to my waist, fashion police be damned. If I’m going down in a ball of physics flames I’m going to do it comfortably.

I also apologize for the foulness of my language. It tends to degrade as the exhaustion multiplies. I’m sure there’s some law of physics which could explain it, but I’m too tired to try and form a good joke.

May your Friday wear not bind and you get more sleep than me.

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One Comment to “Flashback Friday rants at the world”

  1. I hope the test went well.

    Just remember, like curry and gall stones, this too shall pass.

    🙂

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