Seasonal Funnies #4

by Janie Jones

A man suddenly realizes he’s standing in a queue.  A long line of transparent shimmery figures stretch out before him and behind him.  He looks down and sees the earth way below.

“Woah!”  The man calls out in shock.

The nearest figure,  dressed in a wetsuit with a bite shaped chunk missing from his torso, looks at him oddly and says, “Hey dude, how’s it hangin.’  You’re lookin’ white as a ghost!”

The line of figures groan and cat-call “Boo!”

“Sorry, dude.  Bad joke.”  Says the figure missing a chunk of torso.  “Name’s Shane.  My friends used to call me Surfin’ Shane.  Guess now they’ll be callin’ me Shark-bait Shane.”  He laughs an odd hollow laugh.

“Where am I!”  The man stammers.

“Dude, you’re dead.  You’re in line for your eternal destination.  Knarly, huh?”

“Dead!”  He looks frantically around at all the shimmery figures in the line.  “Then you all must be ghosts!”

“Du-uh!  Update from the planet obvious!”  Says a tween aged ghost wearing excessive quantities of black eye liner and a long gaping wound in her arm.  The ghosts around him sigh and roll their eyes.

“But, how’d I get here?  The last thing I remember was jumping in the car and speeding off to work.”

“Think hard, dear.  Don’t you remember anything else?”  A kind faced grandmotherly ghost reached out to pat his shoulder.

The man thinks for a bit, trying to retrace his steps.  “I noticed the time, I grabbed my brief case and my keys, got in the car, jammed it into first and tore out of my driveway….”  He paused and tried to scratch his head but his new ghostly hand drifted right through his temple.  “I have this vague idea I heard a loud noise but that’s it.  The next thing I remember is being here, in a line of ghosts.”

“There must have been a car accident, dear.”  Said Granny Ghost kindly.

A ghost bearing a startling resemblance to Forrest Gump drawled, “Momma always said seat belts save lives.”

Shark-bait Shane laughed his hollow ghostly laugh and whooped, “Whoah! Wipe out! Dude, sounds like you forgot to boo-ckle up.”

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