To whom it may concern:

by Janie Jones

After interrogating the dog, the spud, and Leif and still not believing that they didn’t hijack my manicure scissors but not willing to employ Spanish Inquisition tactics (who after all expects the Spanish Inquisition?) I have officially gone out and purchased new manicure scissors.

I found the going rate of said scissors exorbitant and, therefore. bought the cheapo-von-cheapykins brand, which were half the price of the name brand and I still felt extremely ill used. I suppose in 20 odd years the price of manicure scissors would go up, but seriously, that is ridiculous.

Anyway, in light of the protested innocence of my compatriots, I must fall back on the wormhole in the medicine cabinet theory. Therefore, if you are the entity in control of the wormhole in my medicine cabinet you can now return my old manicure scissors. I anticipate finding them placed precisely in their appointed location at any moment and actually am eagerly awaiting their reappearance, because the cheap pair suck. Loudly, and with great vigor.

In the event that you are also the entity known as Murphy’s Law, I should perhaps have withheld that information, but after the sucky job the new cheap scissors did cutting my nails I really, really, really miss my old manicure scissors and would greatly appreciate their expedient return and am not adverse to a little groveling.

Please. Please. Please. Puh-leeeeezeeeee.

Pretty please. Pretty please with sugar on top.

I’m begging you.

Civilized life as I know it will fail without those scissors.

I mean seriously, who can face the pajama wearing, couch potato tube surfing, cheesy poof eating, Walmartian society with raggedy torn fingernails? All the welfare mommas have better manicures than me.

C’mon. I’m dying here.

Besides, being as you are in control of a wormhole, I would imagine you could use them as long as you like and still return them to me tomorrow in my own personal time space continuum.

Sincerest thanks,

Janie the poorly manicured Jones

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12 Responses to “To whom it may concern:”

  1. Keep an eye on the comfy chair. It might be the next on their abduction list.

  2. Found them yet?

    Quite often I will lose something and then march around the house demanding that it show itself.’You were there just before, STOP messing with me!!’

    The neighbours must think I’m crackers.

    • I haven’t found them yet. And it is so bizarre. I’ve had that same pair of manicure scissors since I was in high school when I kept getting harassed for borrowing my mother’s so I went out and bought my own. Since then, I have never once misplaced them or been at a loss to their whereabouts despite moving 8 times across multiple states in the 20 something years I’ve owned them.

      I’m willing to be thought crackers if that brings them back.

      “Helloooo. Manicure scissors, where are yoooooou. Come out come out where ever you are!”

  3. I usually get a ransom note after about 24 hours. I seldom pay, although I will send coupons for KFC.

  4. Keep an eye on the comfy chair, in case that’s where they are. Don’t flop gratefully into it when you’re feeling tired.

    I too once bought cheap nail scissors (I’m a man, we don’t have manicure scissors). They cost three euro, which worked out at three euro per use of them.

    • Ha! Good tip. I could see the darn things poking me unpleasantly in my behind and putting a nifty hole in my best pair of summer pants.

      I’m thinking this new pair will go about the same way as your 3 euro pair….

  5. I’ll have to look for your scissors in the little basket on my bathroom counter. I’ve recently noticed that we have four or five nail clippers in there and I’m not sure where they came from – multiplying on their own perhaps – or maybe they’ve been transported via wormhole.

    Our problem is tweezers – we have one tweezer we really like and I’ve tried to buy a second in case the good one falls into the wormhole, but I have yet to find another that is satisfactory.

  6. Why is it that we can build jets to go 6 times the speed of sound and not make the most awesome tweezers ever? It seems that every family has a “good” pair of tweezers and it is sheer dumb luck if you get another decent pair. Why are the good ones so rare? Aren’t they all made at the same factory?

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