I swear they mainline liquid sugar

by Janie Jones

I picked up the spud from daycare this afternoon and had the not so brilliant idea of having a Momma Daughter shopping outing. Not so brilliant because I had failed to account for the fact that apparently at daycare they must feed the children nothing but unlimited bottomless mugs of double espresso sweetened with high fructose corn syrup for morning snack. It was like trying to shop with a pinball machine crossed with John Madden. Every spastic move had to be narrated. Every step was a tryout for the Ministry of Silly Walks. Every trip to the dressing room was a photo shoot romp and funny face with sound effects contest opportunity. Even sitting on a bench waiting was accompanied by leg swinging, slouching, sprawling, swiveling and cartoon character squeals, grunts, howls, punch noises, swishes, fan fares, out of tune singing, and Scooby-doo-isms. At one moment I swear my child was not human but an octopus simultaneously managing to touch every thing including me, the dress I was trying on, the mirror, the door, herself, my shoes, the bench and the lady trying on in the booth next door. At the hair salon, whilst being shampooed we had to pretend that the Lego block tower was my birthday cake, with a tree on it, and we had to sing happy birthday dear Momma at the top of our lungs (much to the obvious delight of the other salon patronesses) while my head was leaning back, full of shampoo and being rinsed by a tactfully polite hairdresser. Later, it was “Momma, may I have a doughnut at the grocery store for being good?”

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! More sugar?!? Then, again, she probably burned 10,000 calories with her spastic, imaginative play during our adventures.

It was two banks, lunch, clothes shopping, hair salon, grocery store and post office. I’m not entirely sure how the groceries got unloaded. I hit the wall and was sound and fury-ed out. I collapsed on the the sofa, pale, panting and zombie-eyed to have Leif come into the living room, “Hey, Janie, I’ll just get you to clip my toenails, then I’ll start dinner.” I had just enough of my single nerve left to refrain from disemboweling him with the industrial strength nail clippers and redirected my last ounce of will to actually cutting his toenails instead. Now, if you ask me, that’s love for you. But, strangely enough he seemed a bit put off later when I nearly bit his head off simply for requesting I set the table for dinner. Poor guy. Some days it’s not easy being Leif.

Momma wisdom acquired: 6 year olds still do not make good shopping partners. It’s well worth leaving them at daycare and paying for an extra 3 hours.

Calgon… take me away….

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2 Comments to “I swear they mainline liquid sugar”

  1. I have that kind of energy every morning…..for 17 seconds. I timed it.

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