All for me blog, me jolly jolly blog

by Janie Jones

Disclaimer: Despite the upbeat post title, this blog entry contains extreme amounts of personal drama, is very long winded and may or may not be entertaining….

As many of you also are Tinman fans, you will have likely seen his recent post For No-one. I don’t know if it seems strange or not, but it got me thinking, which can be dangerous as I have an propensity to do it too much when I shouldn’t at all and not enough when it’s most important.

In any case, I began to type some thoughts on this theme of why we blog and who we blog for, but thought it seemed a bit wordy for a reply and then there may be some of my blog friends who don’t read Tinman (although I can’t imagine why) and for the benefit of all in the never before realized quest to better know Janie I decided to make it a post topic on my own blog instead.

Preamble complete, I shall endeavor to describe the jumble of thoughts about why I blog and who I blog for.

In my childhood I was bullied, harassed, teased, verbally and mentally abused by friends and family and was taught to think nothing I said mattered and nothing I felt or did was of value. I suppose I never realized how broken and defective a person I was until life got out of control about 5 or 6 years ago. That’s not to say there were never bad times before, but usually through sheer determination, orneriness and practicality I always managed to strong arm myself and my life in a vaguely successful direction. That is to say, I had the facade of normality down pat.

But come the end of 2007 life unraveled to the point that I was simply not strong enough to force that square peg into the round hole any longer, and I damn sure couldn’t do it dragging along a husband and a kid. I was staring down the bleak, deep, dark hole of an undiagnosed nervous breakdown. When I finally realized I’d hit the bottom of that hole and there was nothing left to recognize of the carefully managed facade I’d cultivated since childhood, I clung like a drowning person to anything I could to bring me back an iota of calm, control and perspective. I started blogging elsewhere, under a different site name, in the summer of 2008 inspired by, and a bit jealous of, all the attention others I knew and considered “friends” seemed to be getting as a result of their blogs.

My blog quickly became a way for me to put a humorous spin and a brave face on the horribly depressing situation I felt I was in, and deal with some of the less pleasant aspects of being a stay at home mom in a failing marriage on the verge of bankruptcy while watching the way of life I had carefully created for over 10 years crumble about me while knowing there was little or nothing pleasant I could do to fix my situation.

Well, if it sounds bleak, then I might have gotten the description close enough for reality to set the scene.

I blogged about my problems pouring all the snark I could into my little tales of strife, frustration and occasionally humor. I also wanted to have something private and separate from my husband, who tended to the role of family attention whore, so I could gain an iota of attention just for my own wounded and hurting self that did not include him or his needs just for a little bit. I think it would be fair to say that my blog began for me, to have a safe way to express myself. But it also filled other roles, such as friendship, and even emotional support. And, while I can’t say this about too many of my “physical” friends, it has been with me throughout my journey to fix myself, turn around my life and claim a portion of contentment, health, and prosperity; and maybe steal a side order of wisdom along the way.

Having been taught to believe from an early age that no one wanted to know what I was feeling and everything I said or did was unimportant and irrelevant I suppose I have always been doomed to have faulty relationships. There is a definite lack of trust between the real Janie and just about every human being I’ve ever been in contact with; I always hold something back, to protect myself from that painful, hurtful kind of criticism. Whether or not this is the reason I tend to be introverted and rely more on practicality and logic than my “gut” or my “heart” to lead me through life is debatable. But can’t deny that I’m much more comfortable with blog relationships than I am with physical people relationships.

By blogging, I get the happy fuzzies of feeling like I have friends who care (as proof of the number of return commenters) while feeling safe from rejection. Even if no one read my blog, I could say what I felt, be who I felt I was inside and not have the risk of being humiliated, devalued or insulted. But I don’t write hoping no one will read it, I write to refresh my faith that there is at least one other person I can connect with on some level, that I’m not a lost cause. And, as long as I continue to be lucky enough to only have kind and generous commenters my trust and faith are returned by my blog friends unlike most physical friends. I can’t help but feel as though family, spouse, neighbors, workmates, or high school and college chums are there because they feel obligated to retain a relationship, where as blog friends can simply choose to stop visiting or not comment and no commitment is implied, coerced or perpetuated against the good will of either party. And perhaps blog friend relationships stay a bit more friendly because maybe they are just a little bit more careful committing negative responses to a written form in a public forum.

Perhaps I’m overly optimistic, but experience so far is yet to fail me in this area. In fact, I look more forward to reading the blogs of my blog friends and sharing comments than having “physical” friends. I suppose that psychiatrists would say that is a bad sign, but hey, I much happier this way. I do have a couple of physical friends, and I have my dear Leif. In my blog however, I now have several people from various parts of the world with whom I share experiences, feelings, jokes and the trials and joys of life.

So it seems to me that what started out as a therapy of sorts, has evolved over the years. It has been a way for me to speak my mind in a safe way, with out fear or rejection. It is a way I can be me, but hide when I get scared. It has been good for my self esteem, and I’ve come a long way. In this last year especially, life has really taken a turn for the better. Maybe, just maybe, hard work and facing your demons does pay off.

More often these days I write less to better myself than for the amusement and entertainment of my readers; but both parts mean a lot to me. Sometimes I’ve been so busy with school or family life I don’t blog for days or weeks at a time. But like a best friend should be, my blog is always here for me, a gateway to what ever I need, waiting patiently to provide a shoulder to cry on, an ear to chew, to have fun with when life is boring or the mood is playful, and dear readers to provide comments so I know I’m not all alone. I’d like to hope people read it and laugh or cry along with me, sending atta-girls or virtual hugs as needed. But at the end of the day if I have had no visitors and my blog has been a lonely place (which, gratefully, seldom happens anymore), at least I’ve had the opportunity to speak my peace (or piece), and that is good therapy; no overpriced psychiatrist needed.

If you’ve made it all the way to the bottom of this post without getting bored or creeped out (that’s the insecure old Janie talking) thanks for being a loyal blog friend. You make my corner of the Great White North a little cozier, rosier and and worth waking up to each day.

Namaste

And, just for fun, this is my favorite “Pirate” song from which I borrowed the form for my post title:

Chorus
Well it’s all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
It’s all for me beer and tobacco
For I spent all me tin with the lassies drinking gin
Far across the western ocean I must wander

Where are me boots, me noggin’, noggin’ boots?
They’re all gone for beer and tobacco
For the heels they are worn out and the toes are kicked about
And the soles are looking out for better weather

Chorus

Where is me shirt, my noggin’, noggin’ shirt?
It’s all gone for beer and tobacco
For the collar is all worn, and the sleeves they are all torn
And the tail is looking out for better weather

Chorus

I’m sick in the head and I haven’t been to bed
Since first I came ashore with me slumber [plunder]
For I spent all me dough on the lassies movin’ slow
Far across the Western Ocean I must wander

Additional verses:

Where is me bed, me noggin’ noggin bed
It’s all gone for beer and tobacco
Well I lent it to a whore and now the sheets are all tore
And the springs are looking out for better whether.

Where is me wench, me noggin’ noggin’ wench
She’s all gone for beer and tobacco
Well her (clap) is all worn out and her (clap) is knocked about
And her (clap) is looking out for better whether.

Alternate chorus:
Well it’s all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
It’s all for me beer and tobacco
I spent all me loot in a house of ill repute
And I think I’ll have to go back there tomorrow.

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7 Comments to “All for me blog, me jolly jolly blog”

  1. It’s good that you have an outlet. Sometimes, the blogging world seems more real than the real world, doesn’t it? At least we know everyone likes us there 🙂

    I agree with you re Tinman.

  2. Don’t worry, Janie, we’ll be here with atta-girls and virtual hugs whenever you need them.

    I’ve had some posts about some really bad days (though fewer and fewer these days, thankfully) and the people out there who now are genuine friends of mine have been wonderful in their support.

    We all read what each other has to say, which we wouldn’t if we didn’t feel a bond with each other, so we do become close and supportive.

    I will say, though, that you are being too hard on yourself, and them, if you can’t help but feel that some of your physical friends and family are there simply because of obligation. They could keep away too, if they liked, but they haven’t.

    Anyway, this post open, and honest, and touching. It’s amazing.

    Attagirl,

    Tin x

  3. Whatever the reason, I’m glad you’re here. Although your past mistreatment makes me sad.

  4. To be serious, I’d say you’re remarkbly well balanced and have a really good grasp on placing the strifes of life in perspective.

    On the snarky end: Take my comments with a grain of salt. After all, I was knocked out playing baseball when I was a child.

  5. Tilly, Tin, LeeAnn and Jess thanks for listening, for being there, and for being so kind in your words of encouragement. Personal stuff is hard to share, but once you do a great weight feels as though it’s been lifted and life can go on better than before.

  6. Janie, this is powerful stuff. I’m glad things have turned for you, and you know that you’ve done that. You’re a strong soul and you have turned your world round for the better. atta- girl.
    I’m glad to have found your corner of the Great White North.

    • Thanks Speccy. I try to live by the borrowed phrase: “You have this life because you are strong enough to live it.” Some days it’s harder than others, but we needs must carry on.

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