Tuesday Titters: Week 21, it’s beer-thirty

Once upon a time there were two turtles who were best friends.  Ray and Bud were very competitive and one day while sunning on a log they began to argue about who was smarter.  All the other critters grew tired of their bickering.  Bart, a huge old bullfrog, suggested they have a battle of wits to determine the smartest turtle between them.  They loved the idea, but needed a judge to determine the winner, so they prevailed upon Bart.  Bart consented, if they would accept his judgement and promise to stop arguing.  When they agreed he set them to several intellectual challenges, each more difficult than the last.  All the critters watched as the competition between the friends got fiercer and fiercer.  Finally, Bart announced the challenge was over and he had determined the winner.

“Well, who’s the smartest turtle in our swamp?”  The other critters asked excitedly.

“Yes, tell us!”  Cried Ray and Bud.

“It was a very close call.”  Said Bart.

“Well, who’s wiser?”  They demanded.

Bart cleared his throat and croaked, “Bud’s wiser!”

Tuesday Titters: Week 20, It Ain’t Easy Being Green

A frog decides to do some remodeling around his lily pad, but after talking with a contractor, the expense is more than he will have on hand.  So he decided to go down to the bank for a home equity loan.

“Good morning, Sir.  I’m the loan officer, Patricia Whack.  I understand you want to apply for a loan.”

“That’s right Miss Whack.”  Said the frog.

“Very good!  I just need you to fill out an application and our loan committee will review it.  I should have your answer in just a few days.”

“Super!”  Said the frog, who quickly filled out the required paperwork.

As promised a few days later the loan officer called.  Unfortunately, she had bad news.

“I’m very sorry, Sir.”  She said, “Unfortunately, it seems like you have no credit history and there is insufficient equity in your lily pad for the bank to hold as collateral.”

“Oh no!”  Cried the frog.  “Isn’t there anything else to be done?”

“Well,”  Said the loan officer, “Occasionally we might give out a loan using some other valuable item as collateral like say, perhaps a vehicle,  other property, stocks, or especially valuable jewelry or antiques.”

The frog got excited, “I have just the thing!”  He cried.

“Okay.”  Said the loan officer,  “Bring it in and we’ll have the loan committee consider it.”

So the frog hurried back to the bank and plopped a heavy green and golden frog figurine on Patricia Whack’s desk.

“What is this?”  She asked.

The frog replied, “It’s my collateral.  It’s been in my family for generations and is priceless.”

“A priceless piece of junk.”  She blurted.

“Hey!”  Croaked the frog, “The guy from antiques roadshow said it was worth thousands of dollars.”

All the commotion attracted the attention of the bank president.

“What seems to be the problem here, Miss Whack?”  He asked.

“This frog wants to offer this thing,” Miss Whack waved vaguely at the figurine, “as collateral for a loan.  I have no idea even what it is!”

The president looked at the item and said, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog the loan.”  Then this old frog went hopping home.

Tuesday Titters: Week 19, I’ll just apologize for this one up front

Leif read last week’s Tuesday Titters and asked why I didn’t tell the dirty version, which apparently is:

Why did the dirty old man cross the road?

He was stuck to the chicken.

Tuesday Titters: Week 18, playground humor

A few days ago the spud says:  Uncle Leif, wanna hear a joke?

Leif:  Umm.  Okaaay.

Spud:  Why did the chicken cross the road?

Leif:  Gee, I don’t know.  Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spud:  To get to the other side!

Leif:  Hey, spud, why did the chicken cross the playground?

Spud:  I don’t know.  Why?

Leif:  To get to the other slide.

 

Tuesday Titters: Week 17, ¿Cuándo es un puerto no puerto? Cuando lo es un tarro.

When is a door not a door?  When it’s ajar.

Some how it’s just funnier in English.  Or maybe it’s just my horrendous Spanish.

I have my oral presentation today.  I have to talk for 5 minutes in Spanish and answer questions.  Wish me luck!

Tuesday Titters: Week 16, in a jam said the giant clam

What kind of sandwich do sharks like best?  Peanut Butter and Jelly Fish